we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So many bounce houses so little time
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize