i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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