Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
