i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You ruined the universe
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
