he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
