If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
