I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
