What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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