She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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