i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
