About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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