Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sext me about skeletons
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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