I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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