I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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