You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
