Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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