Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
