sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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