from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
this hospital has no fireball
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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