last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
