"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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