I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
cat food counts as protein by the way
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
