Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
being pregnant is like rehab
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
