I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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