Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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