Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
