i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
