The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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