I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize