Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
