i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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