I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
