He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
