I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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