I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Houston, we have a blender
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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