Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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