Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
