Your face is a jimmy john
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
