Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
