Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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