From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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