Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
