I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
