No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
