my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
