Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize