The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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