Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
