So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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