I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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