Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
