Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
