Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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