"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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