I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
