I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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