barbara walters just said penis...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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