My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
