So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
