I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
third nipple confirmed
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
