Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
